I a night a didn't think would go well, goes well

Expectations determine impressions. I had an expectation that I would not enjoy myself. But through the course of the night things panned out towards an almost cliche positivity. There were group hugs involved.

I went to the waldorf. A hotel that was converted into a club that is frequented by the privelege-y hip. And they had a k-pop night tonight. I had pretty high expectations. They were playing my countries music. Even if it isnt to my normal music tastes, i supported it for the fact that i support korean things that are slightly progressive. Kpop in a hipster venue is pretty progressive. I assumed that k-pop was going to be this new post ironic movement in my city. i imagined a wide set of people grooving along to some catchy music that they did not understand. I was wrong.

People didnt know how to interpert it.* correction* the privelgy "hip" didnt know how to interperty it, Also the Dj essentialy played some fuckin playlist that was probably titled, Kpop 2011 mix, and had absolutely no skills. There was no beat drop. He fuckin paused. I think people deserve a little more respect then that. I can play music on my computer too man. what got me the most was the fact that he was grooving with his computer. BUT HE WASNT DOING ANYTHING EXCEPT PRESSING PLAY. What an idiot. ONLY SAMANTHA RONSON CAN GET AWAY WITH PLAYING THERE MP3 player! ANyways the k-pop room was almost empty and inhabited by an asian set who would not usually frequent this kind of establishment. Endearing but kind of sad too. The other room was worse. They played soul and r&b ( which i really enjoy) but they did it mindlessly. people settled for this room by forsaking the other. I was kind of insulted. Luckily my friends knew what was up. Thank god for them being aware. Ascene of geeky asians grooving along to k-pop which they genuinly enjoy is better then white people throwing there hands up in this faux bourgeouse emrcaement of urban music. Your not urban. And ironic shit is over so you guys just look lame.

In any case we let the beat drop. and me and my freinds embraced kpop and eventually the room filled out. they all have good taste and am happy i came out.

4:30 AM, Haruki Murakami, and my projected life.

As of Now

Hi. I can't go to bed. Alot, of thoughts are running through my head and I feel anxious. It's different from when I was younger. Or maybe it's the same. Or maybe in my attempts to distance myself from the "past (youth)" I'm trying to negotiate some sort of future(adulthood) which renders (once) familiar feelings foreign. Regardless. I'm going to channel this into some half assed blog post that I can refer to later. I hope you enjoy this future Ricky ( and readers).

I've been thinking a lot these days about the book, The Wind Up Bird Chronicles, by my dear friend, Haruki Murakami.

Have you read it? If you haven't its basically about a timid (steady) man who quits his job, in a sort of mid life crisis, and ends up spending his days listening to Bach as he makes pasta (al dente). His cat suddenly goes missing. So does his wife. Eventually a myriad of strange characters appear offering to help, inquire, and challenge the steady man. The man slowly starts to deteriorate. The man is inevitably left physically (and figuratively) all alone.To reclaim what is his, he must journey through his own consciousness to rescue his wife and himself from desolation.

This being my first Murakami book my mind became really wobbly. It felt like taking LCD. What struck me about the book was it's juxtaposition between the banal and the eerie. But it was different from David Lynch ( i know it was written before eraser head was even out so yea....take that Lynch) . It isn't being ironic or self referential like Twin Peaks. Instead, in my opinion, it's about the process of losing yourself and reclaiming it. Very straightforward. but so complicated. The book creates a dichotomy between the tangible and the subconscious. He is speaking on the idea that tangible life can be false, and the subconscious can be truth. Two people can start to emerge from this division. I really liked this notion of the divided self and I am very happy I discovered this BOOK.

But, I feel like i've been through this process. The process of the divided self. The process of creating distance to discover truth. So much of the last three years was a teeter totter of self fluctuations. Bouts of pretension masking insecurities. Basically my Murakami novel would read, that an insecure and very lonely and emotional kid tried to find power and meaning through superflourious routes. This created further distance from him and all those around him. He moved to London and desicrated his mind and was very close to losing himself all together. He came back home to a familiar life which he wish felt unfamiliar. Characters emerged and he was able to reclaim his essence. But today, he stands at a computer at 430 am with different anxieties.

I know who I am. I've reclaimed a lot of things this past year. But I'm scared of making choices that could possibly break me again. This has made me stronger but at the price of loneliness. I'm not a strong person and it doesn't take much to push me over. I want to do so much with my life. I know what i want to do with my life. But it isn't necessarily something i can tangibly spit out. That makes me worried. Because after this journey of the subconscious Im now looking for the tangible. I want something real.